Previously on Awkward...
You've been so saran-wrapped around Jake,
you can't even see it.
I'm not clingy. Matty is.
- Nice job, McKibben. - What?
You were totally sabotaging them.
Your dad left today.
It's not just for a few days, is it?
No.
Post my parents' separation,
I'd spent a lot of time playing the blame game.
And nine times out of ten,
the onus of their split landed on me.
I regretted ever saying anything about the letter,
and I was consumed with guilt.
So I was willing to be with anyone
and do anything to avoid feeling like a bad person.
[Organ playing]
My mom was also looking for redemption.
And while our relationship was still on shaky ground,
she needed a little hand-holding,
willing or otherwise.
She wasn't good at being alone.
Not that she excelled at being in public either.
Everyone, please open your bibles to Psalm 46.
Oh, no, thank you.
I think we're supposed to put money in.
At least there was one saving grace
to getting up early on a Sunday.
[Upbeat music]
This was enlightening, but let's go
before the welcome committee takes us hostage.
I probably should have tried to save my mom,
but sometimes, you just have to save yourself.
Check.
Double check.
Jenna!
[Gasps] You have to come to the retreat.
On Saturday night, there's a "Saints and Sinners" party
that we secretly call "haloed bros and biblical hos."
And then on the Sunday, Jesus forgives all your sins,
and there's a taco party!
- So you going to come? - Hmm.
What would Jenna do?
I'm thinking about it. [Gasps]
And I was.
Since my home no longer felt like a safe haven,
I was open to exploring gods.
Maybe it was going to be a new day.
[Gasps] Pastor Don! This is Jenna.
She's the girl we've been praying for.
Remember? The harlot who stole my boyfriend.
[Ominous music]
Scratch that. It was judgment day.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
You're going to church camp? With Dim Sum?
It's a retreat, which I could really use,
given all the chaos going on with my parents.
I think I need a little spiritual guidance right now.
Well, if they tell you to drink the kool-aid
- and take a nap, don't. - It's a church, not a cult.
If you want a retreat, why not just hole up with me?
I'm grounded for the weekend, so we can do blah-di-na together.
Thanks, but I really need to clear my head.
What I'm going through can't be fixed
by stuffing my face in a rom-com-athon.
And why are you grounded?
'Cause Ricky Schwartz got me suspended and ruined my life!
Suspension. Nice.
I like punishment.
Hey, Kyle. How's your band?
Jenna lives? We broke up.
Started getting too much attention
from the mainstream, you know,
like jocks, class presidents, that type.
I didn't want to be a sellout.
Are you talking about Jenna?
No.
He was totally talking about you.
I knew he was a stalker.
"Take it outside"?
Where have I heard that before?
Apparently, I wasn't the only one
who had lost faith in myself.
My stalker had too.
Maybe it was time for a little divine...
Intervention?
Why do I need an intervention?
Because your "holier than thou" bit is getting old.
I'm losing patience.
Isn't forgiveness Jesus's whole deal?
I mean, he didn't judge that hooker with the burning bush.
Sadie, you made me do evil things,
and now JC is mad at me.
That's why he took Jake away.
No. Jenna took Jake away.
And she's repenting,
which is more than I can say for you.
Jenna's going to my church
and probably coming to my retreat this weekend.
- Of her own volition? - Yeah.
I think we're finally going to be friends.
Maybe even best friends.
Got a minute? [Gasps, sighs]
I actually have another appointment,
but, ugh, that kid's a total snooze.
So, yeah, have a seat. What's going on?
I've been having a hard time lately.
Are you off your meds?
I was never on them.
I'm depressed
because my parents are separated.
- Your dad's single? - What?
That must be hard for you.
I mean, considering how attractive he is.
Oh, now you're going to have to compete
with other girls for his attention.
Do you think he likes them young,
or is he into ladies... his own age?
I don't know, and I don't care.
What I want is for my parents to get back together.
I feel like their breakup is my fault,
and it makes me question who I am.
Internal reflection is good, helps us mature.
Which is why I'm going on a church retreat.
With Bible-thumpers?
I think putting my worry into a higher power
will bring me some comfort, you know?
J., do not be seduced by the doughnuts.
It's not about the doughnuts.
It was kind of about the doughnuts.
Listen, when I was your age, I got mixed up with a group
of "good kids" too.
Lured me in with the sugary, fried treats,
made me feel accepted, and then, slowly but surely,
I started judging anyone who drank coke
and didn't wear bloomers.
It's a slippery slope, J.
Religion is all about preying on the weak,
and you, my friend--
You're an easy target.
While I wasn't convinced
that religion was about exploiting the weak,
in my vulnerable state, I couldn't take the risk.
I'd have to find another way to soothe my soul.
And if I wasn't going to lean on Jesus,
I'd lean on Jake.
Dude, she was just checking you out.
Yeah, so?
So she's hot, right?
Dude, you gotta get out of this funk.
I will, I just need some time.
Please don't talk about that girl again.
- Hey. - Let's just drop it.
Oh, hey, babe.
Matty needs a cool girl's point of view on something.
- Nah, I don't. - He does.
He's been totally fixating on some lame girl.
- I didn't say she was lame. - No, I did.
If Matty was going to fixate on a new girl,
I'm glad Jake thought she was lame.
They've been flirting and hooking up,
and now she's totally dissing him.
To be fair, been non-committal.
Matty was up to his old tricks.
And while I didn't want to hear the details,
it was nice to know it wasn't about me.
She's been leading him on since the summer.
So it was about me.
And then she ditched him over break for some other dude.
She's a bitch.
I didn't say she was a bitch.
Will you stop defending her?
Two minutes ago, you said you felt betrayed.
Tell him. She's a bitch, right?
She's a bitch.
And a relationship assassin.
Not only had I split up my parents,
but I'd come precariously close to ending a friendship.
Jake's judgment had only further cemented my first instinct.
I was a bad person, and I needed to redeem myself.
I got the answer to all your problems.
A double date this weekend. I'm going to fix you up.
I can't. I'm going to church camp.
[Upbeat music]
Are you sure you want to do this?
- Yes. - But you don't know anybody.
You're going to be alone. You are not good at being alone.
No, mom, that would be you.
The retreat was exactly what I needed to clear my conscience.
People weren't judgey, they were handsy.
Ooh.
And considering all the action I was getting on the bus,
there was a solid chance
I would find comfort being embraced
by a community of loving, affectionate--
haters.
Ho-bags are relegated to the back of the bus.
All: Let's go, Jesus, let's go!
T, Sadie's here.
I need you to steal your mom's car
- and come rescue me. - I'm on lockdown, remember?
- Can you call your mom? - She's not picking up.
I came here for peace of mind,
and that's the last thing I'm going to get
with that bitch by my bunk. [Gasps]
Do you think Kyle drives a Prius?
Kyle? I-I don't know.
So he could drive a Prius.
I'm lost. What are we talking about?
Remember his shirt? "Take it outside"?
I realized where I know that from-- my mouth.
That's what I said to Ricky Schwartz
when I pulled my freak-a-deak at the assembly.
Kyle's moved on from stalking you
to stalking me!
T., hold on a second.
Continue.
Under normal circumstances, I'd be into having a creeper.
But I went on Kyle's page, and under interests,
he has "take it outside" as a club.
He started a club, Jenna.
Okay, the Kyle sitch definitely warrants attention,
but if I don't get out of here soon,
I'm going to have to man vs. Wild it.
I'd rather brave the elements
than spend 48 hours with Satan Saxton.
Call me if you have any brainstorms on how to escape.
Gotta go.
[Alternative music]
Hey, come look at something.
- What? - This.
Stay away from Lissa.
She's not your friend.
- She's mine. - Jenna!
You're saved.
- Where am I sleeping? - On the floor.
Sadie, you're being un-Christian.
God, what do you want from me? I'm here, aren't I?
Physically you're here,
but spiritually, you're, like, in Canada.
Apologize.
- Sorry. - Sadie will share her bunk.
- I'll sleep on the floor. - You don't want to do that.
- There are mice and spiders. - And it still reeks of vomit
from last year's camp-wide food poisoning.
Not a good year for the taco party.
- Looking for TP? - No, I'm looking for a ride.
- You can't go home yet. - Sadie Saxton is in my cabin.
Oh, well, you know what they say.
"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
I wouldn't put it past her to smother me in my sleep.
Don't let Sadie spoil the retreat.
She could've ruined my experience,
- but I didn't let her. - What did she do to you?
She outed me.
Last year no one knew I was gay.
I think we all knew.
Come on. Toned it down a bit.
Except for the backpack.
Girl's gotta have some pink.
So you believe in being a glutton for punishment.
- I don't. - No.
I believe in respect and tolerance.
To me, that's what christianity is all about.
But this place only teaches Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve.
I'm not totally sold
on the whole "Jesus being straight" thing--
All that time in the desert
with 12 dudes and no women.
That's blasphemy.
Just saying.
Clark, I really need to get out of here.
This whole thing was an impulse decision.
I only came here because I was feeling
really crappy about myself, and I was desperate
for something to make me feel better, but this ain't it.
No one is going to make you have a bad experience
unless you let them. Stay.
Don't be a pussy.
Are you on the payroll?
I should be.
[Cell phone rings]
Okay.
I'm in, but I'm going to need a cot.
[Beep] Sorry I missed your call,
honey, I was blasting the radio and didn't hear my phone.
I just need the address, and I'll pick you up.
It doesn't matter what time.
I put my cell on loud,
and I'm just going to keep looking at it until you call.
A glass of wine?
Oh, no, I'm-- I won't be here long.
I'm getting something to go.
- Someone sent it over. - Jenna's mom!
Jenna's counselor.
Counselor/vice principal.
I'm kind of doing both jobs right now
till we find a replacement.
What are you doing, the old shame grab-and-go?
[Laughs] There's no shame in it.
I'm alone for the weekend.
Oh, I heard.
Jenna's dad left you high and dry, huh?
No, we're just taking a break,
but it's an adjustment.
It's been a while since I've been on my own.
Well, why not eat here?
Nah, I don't need all the stares.
Oh, I get it.
I get it. You're afraid.
I'm not. I just don't like to eat alone in public.
Personally, I find it empowering.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a flight attendant
on a layover, and I only have a few hours
before I hop on my red-eye to Barcelona.
Take a sip. I dare ya.
Or you can pound it.
Ooh.
[Upbeat religious music]
Where's your costume, Jenna?
Oh, she is the serpent who tempted Adam and Eve
and ruined paradise.
Like I said, where's the costume?
What are you? Saint or sinner?
I'm a pregnant woman who claims she's a virgin, so...
Decide for yourself.
This is not what I expected.
I thought the retreat would be all about trust falls
- and worship. - How's that for a trust fall?
Oh!
I know it'll be hard, but by the end of this dance,
you're going to have to...
- Stop worshipping me. - You left me 20 messages.
Oh, don't try to change the subject.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Could be. I don't know you.
I know you know I coined "take it outside."
Everyone at school does.
I said it when I publicly hated-berated Ricky Schwartz.
Who?
If you want to play dumb,
could you at least have the decency
to make the shirts in a color
that would highlight my undertones?
Which, for future ref, would be purple or teal.
Quitting Skype.
I'm ordering you to cease and desist.
And until you do, I want a cut of those shirts!
[Scoffs] What the hell?
[Dance music]
Oh, crap, I forgot I have dining duty.
No! Remember the last time you left me alone with Eve?
- Things got messy. - You'll be fine.
Share circle! [Cheering]
What's share circle?
[Ominous music]
But after my third time in rehab,
I finally traded drugs for Jesus.
Let us pray with the laying of hands.
I made a lot of mistakes this year.
After some bad advice from a friend,
I broke my purity pledge... with my hands.
I gave my ex countless rub-and-tugs.
Actually, I did count. It was 47.
I wasn't sure what was more disturbing.
Lissa going into graphic detail about handies
or hearing that my boyfriend was on the other end of her hand.
I don't think hand love is a sin.
Well, you may not personally think so,
but corinthians says that all the stuff
leading up to sex should only happen inside marriage.
Corinthians got married at 12.
God will forgive you if you forgive your friend.
Let us-- Wait.
Are you a righty or a lefty?
Righty.
Thanks.
It's a lot to overcome, but I'm on my path.
There was no doubt the share circle was cathartic
for those willing to bare all, and for once,
it was nice to be out of the spotlight.
Speaking of overcoming,
Jenna, how did you overcome your suicide attempt?
I didn't try to commit suicide.
It was an accident and a rumor.
Come on, Jenna, you're among friends.
If you ask God for forgiveness,
you'll be forgiven.
There is no shame in confessing.
I don't have anything to confess.
Uh-oh. [Giggles] Isn't lying a sin too?
This is serious.
You have to ask for forgiveness, or you'll go to hell.
Eternal lake of fire... [Raspy] Hell.
She didn't commit suicide; She just attempted it.
Then I guess she's going to purgatory.
Didn't they get rid of purgatory, or was that limbo?
She can't go to limbo. That's for unbaptized babies.
That is perfect for Jenna.
She was an accident.
Instead of being redeemed, I was crucified.
And I couldn't wait three days for my resurrection.
I love Satan. [Gasps]
I love Satan! I love...
- Seitan. - Oh.
- It's like tofu. - Mmm.
It's like food, but not.
Mm-hmm.
Would you like another glass of wine?
Mm. [Snaps fingers]
- Whoo! - Yes... I would.
Do you two want to share a table?
Both: No.
I'm eating alone.
- Okay. - Okay.
So another trick to the "eating alone" trade...
- Mm-hmm. - Is about the reading material.
Sure, you look cool
reading Hemingway... [Scoffs]
But it is impossible to hold
a book and eat at the same time,
so I like to dine with my parents.
[Laughter] Will there be anything else?
[Gasps] I will have a cappuccino.
Both: Ooh!
The student has surpassed the teacher.
I, sir, will have one too.
I did it! I had dinner alone!
[Sighs] I'm going to be okay.
You know, I never thought that I could be by myself,
but being here...
- With you... - Oh.
Alone, I proved it.
God, I'm good on my own.
You are.
In fact, you are so good
that you won't even flinch if a friend
or an acquaintance starts dating your husband.
[Laughs]
Jenna?
I'm so sorry that you got put in the hot seat.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're going to hell.
Unless you really love Satan.
You're a really good person.
- I am? - Yes.
If the roles had been reversed with the whole Jake sitch,
I don't know if I'd have been as easily forgiving.
We all make mistakes,
but God gives us the opportunity to learn from them.
Forgiving other people
is the easy part of the process.
It's learning how to forgive ourselves that's hard.
It was true.
Lissa was far wiser than people knew.
I better get back to share circle and explain things.
Because if people have different interpretations of the Bible,
christianity will never survive.
[Laughter]
[Car horn honks]
[Alternative music]
You good?
- Yep. - Me too.
I'm a total pro at rolling solo.
In fact, I'm going to go watch TV...
alone... and enjoy it.
See, that right there is what they don't teach you in church.
It's called...
evolution.
And like my mom, I had somehow evolved too.
While I had been seeking absolution from a higher power,
what I really needed was to absolve myself.
For the first time since my parents' split,
I didn't feel so alone.
[Computer tone]
So, camp wasn't all bad?
And it wasn't all good, but I was reminded of something
I hadn't realized was missing from my life.
Compassion.
Congratulations.
But I'm not as enlightened as you.
If you and your psycho friends want to worship me,
then you might as well have some decent pictures
and accurate info.
Whoa. You need to take it outside.
Don't tell me to take it outside.
That's my job.
- Take this. - I don't get it.
It's pertinent information for your "club."
Everything from my current Facebook interests
all the way back to my fifth grade MySpace page.
Take it outside is for lonely kids
who spend too much time on their computers.
You should join.
[Quirky music]
- We can be friends. - Really?
This weekend, I realized Jesus put you in my life as a test.
And while his class is totally hard,
and there are no cliff notes,
and in real life, I've never gotten above a B-minus,
I'm determined to get an "A."
Whatever works for you. Anyway, you should know that,
while you were in couples counseling with JC,
Amy snaked your spot in the pyramid.
I'll pray on it.
Right after I take that skank down.
H-hi.
Uh, how was your weekend?
Cathartic.
- Yours? - Not.
I am sorry about Friday.
I wasn't railing on you to Jake.
I don't think you're lame or a bitch,
and I've just been feeling like crap
thinking that you think I think that.
Did that even make sense?
I guess we both had been going through
our own crisis of conscience.
You don't need to apologize.
Things have been weird... for both of us.
Truce?
Truce.
I wasn't the only thing evolving.
My relationship with Matty was too.
- Hey. - Hey.
I had faith that Matty and I had the potential
to be friends.
[Alternative music]
In the very distant future.
Next on Awkward...
I need some advice.
What makes a perfect date for a Valentine?
Matty and that freshman-- Are they dating?
Dating? No.
Have you guys seen that girl Matty's been hanging out with?
- Yes. - Yes.
Do you think she's attractive?
- Yes. - Yes.
My friends are allowed to make new friends.
It's just that this new friend doesn't really
meet my old friend's standards.
Then why do you seem so jealous?
I'm not jealous!